Episode 2 - From Heartbreak to Healing

In Episode 2 of the Bounce Back to Breakthrough Podcast, your host Ross Rolph engages in a powerful conversation with the inspiring Delphine Legat. In this emotionally charged episode, Delphine courageously opens up about her journey through the tumultuous waves of a long-distance relationship marred by infidelity.

Delphine shares her deeply personal story of discovering her partner's multiple betrayals, sending shockwaves through the very foundation of trust they had built. As she recounts the heart-wrenching moments of revelation, listeners will witness the raw authenticity of her emotions, from the initial devastation to the subsequent stages of healing and resilience.

Through the pain and tears, Delphine takes us on a remarkable journey of self-discovery and transformation. She shares the pivotal moments and choices that propelled her from the depths of despair to a place of newfound strength and empowerment. Her story is a testament to the human spirit's capacity to bounce back from adversity and emerge stronger than ever.

Join us for this compelling episode as Delphine Legat unveils the lessons learned, the inner strength discovered, and the path to healing that ultimately led her to breakthrough. Whether you're navigating your own challenges or seeking inspiration, this episode promises to be a beacon of hope and resilience, reminding us all that it's possible to turn heartbreak into a powerful catalyst for personal growth. Tune in and discover the transformative power of bouncing back to breakthrough.

Transcript

The Bounce Back to Breakthrough Podcast Episode 2 – From Heartbreak to Healing with Delphine Legat

​[00:00:00] 

Ross: Welcome to the bounce back to breakthrough podcast. I'm your host Ross Rolph, this week I'm honoured to be speaking to Delphine Lagat, who is also known as the Elite Mindset Coach.

And she's gone through an incredibly difficult time in her last relationship, where she was cheated on multiple times. But I'm not gonna go into that too much now because that's Delphine's story to share with you, so sit back and enjoy. And I want to welcome you all to [00:01:00] my guest, Delphine Legat.

Delphine: Thank you so much. What a great intro. 

Ross: I try to keep it as succinct as possible. I don't want to obviously take any of your thunder as it were. 

Delphine: No, no, I loved it. I think that's juicy enough. I love it. 

Ross: The point of these podcasts is to inspire people and help them everyone goes through hard times, especially with relationships. And I think from the snippets I know of your story so far, and from what I know of you in the time we've known each other, I think people are really going to benefit from hearing how you've gone through that really, really difficult situation to the amazing person you are today.

So what we do, we're going to share your story today and inspire many of the listeners.

Delphine: Oh, well, thank you. Yeah, it is a bit of a rollercoaster. That's definitely true. I mean, it's been several months that you've known this story. So yeah, I'm excited to jump into it and like share all the juicy goss

 Well, I guess chronologically makes the most sense. So we actually grew up together. So we knew each other [00:02:00] from about 10, 12 years ago. We grew up in the same sort of area and we first met and there was always There was of a pull, and we dated when we were 15, so we, you know, the classic held hands, very cute, very awkward, nothing actually happened, but it was kind of like first boyfriend thing, and I was besotted with him, truly, and then we kind of petered out, and that was, you know, that was the version of ghosting that no one talks about, that was just teen years and like incompetency with communication.

And then he basically moved to America when we were 18, so we sort of fell apart, and that was it. And every year he would come back, and he still had family and friends in the UK, and we would always touch base, and there was always something about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but it just, it was like a gravitational pull from my core.

And, I know that he felt the same way, but we, it was... It would be that we'd both have relationships going and nothing would happen, but we'd meet and we'd both go back and break up with our partners or our whole world would be flipped upside down. And I [00:03:00] never understood why. And I used to think, Oh, that's a problem.

I used to get that flutter going, Oh, actually, I'm quite anxious about that. And then it was one, one year just before the pandemic, I met him. When I was sort of at the tail end of a previous relationship and he kind of just laid it on the table and said, you know, it's always been you. And I said, well, I'm in a relationship, but it kind of clicks instantly.

And I went, yeah, okay. It has always been you. And I don't know, you know, it's, this all makes sense now explains all these years of being confused. And then. We parted ways, nothing happened. And then Covid hit and he messaged me still in America and said, Hey, the pandemic is upon us. The world is ending.

Let's chat. So every week we used to check in with each other. We'd have FaceTimes text all the time. And that kind of relationship started building and building and building. And he was able to travel because of his job, which was, you know, a luxury for that many of us were not afforded at the time. So it was really nice.

to get to see him again and kind of build that relationship. And at one stage, he just said, I just really want to [00:04:00] be with you. And it became this wonderful tale of some childhood sweethearts finding each other. And it was super easy because my family knew him and liked him. His family knew me and liked me.

And it was just this sudden coming together of, oh, it's time for our storyline to come full circle. 

Ross: And Romeo and Juliet with this at this point, isn't it? 

Delphine: So it was very, very much so very sickly, sweet, and kind of like fitting into each other's stories and lives. And it was just, it was easy despite it being long distance.

And this is the thing that I never wanted to be a long distance person at all. I mean, America to the UK is very, very tough for anyone doing it. Good on you because it's tough. But I always said with the right person, it's quite easy. And surprisingly that you just find a routine and a rhythm and, we sort of then started progressing more when the world opened up, I was able to go visit him, surprise him for Christmas, and then I started seeing him every other month, and you know, he, at first he was very sweet, and then cracks started to show started to emerge in our [00:05:00] relationship, so, I've never been one to be on social media, which is hilarious now that I'm all over it all the time, but I never, I deleted all my accounts in 2018, and then I started noticing on His socials that all these women were cropping up in in the messages and okay, this is going to be controversial, but I think broadly speaking, the majority of men could be quite dumb and most women are quite calculating and things like that.

And I just felt this sudden pull of Oh, these women are commenting on his. Profile because something's happened or there's something there. And it's that female intuition that we always talk about. That feminine energy. And I think people like, I call it gut instinct and that's something that's so important to me.

But I started getting that sort of itch. And I was like, that's, there's something wrong here. So I'd mentioned it and he. 

Ross: Go on. Sorry, I was just saying, what kind of posts were these? Were these like, you know, topless posts or are they just like your normal posts and then suddenly they were 

Delphine: commenting on it or?

They were normal posts, but it'd be just the, the nature of the comments being left underneath it. And, you know, some of them would be harmless. But it would, [00:06:00] they would always be the top post, or the first comment, it would always be the next like, and it would always just be like, Ew, why would you do this?

Or, looking great, and he'd be like, thanks, xxx, who is this? And while that's not to say that you can't have a good relationship with a friend, and you know, men and women can't be friends, because of course they can be, and you shouldn't be a jealous partner, There was an alarm bell ringing and I've never been a jealous person, so I was like, this is very uncomfortable.

And I'd, I'd flag it to him and he'd say, Oh no, she's just like, she's just no one. I met her once and I'd kind of put it aside. And I started getting that feeling of like, Oh, I'm going crazy because I would get really jealous, really anxious. I felt very unlike myself. I started getting more and more stressed, intense.

And I started going like, Oh, you don't find me attractive. Oh, you don't want to be with me. Oh there's something wrong with me. It was always coming from me. And he never, he wasn't particularly great with words of affirmation. [00:07:00] Not that that's really my love language, but as long distance, you know, the quality time touch gifts, whatever the other one is, isn't available to you.

So words of affirmation has to be the one. And he was. Crap at that. So there I am feeling like I'm going mental looking at these women who are constantly posting on his on his mess. Sorry, photos and, and stories and all these things. And he's just not showing up. So fast forward a little bit more and I, we start to see each other more and more and, and go to new year 2022.

Now we went out for new years and it's customary to bar hop. And we were in his hometown and he, you know, The first bar he wanted to go to was where he and his ex girlfriend had sort of fell fallen in love, and and done all these things. I was already a bit on edge, and we walked into a bar, and there was this girl who walked in and immediately beelined towards it.

Oh my god, so wonderful to see you, so this And I was just like, ooh, who is this? But it was her friend who saw him and [00:08:00] stiffened up and was refused to give eye contact to me and wasn't really looking at him. And immediately I was like There's a story here. So when they left, I went, who was that? He goes, oh, that like, no, no, the one in the pink coat.

Who was that? He's like, oh, yeah, we slept together. I was like, huh, when? And it just started unfolding as we got drunker and drunker all these stories started coming and he essentially brought me into Pub after pub where he basically shagged all these women and then he'd be like, Oh, yeah, she and I met here and there were just women popping up everywhere and I started looking like a mug in these rooms.

Everyone is entitled to a past but don't bring your past to my present. Like don't name your past and bring her to my face. Like, I don't care if it's in the past, but I was going mental and I just, I, I said to him, I don't want to meet people that you fucked. And he goes, oh, too late. And when he said that, let me tell you, I erupted.

So we walked into this bar, where he and his ex had fallen in love. I [00:09:00] stormed off to the ladies. Everyone knew him there, because he used to be a busboy. And when I came out of the bar, and moved towards him, he said, I really don't know how we're gonna make it through this. I, like, I don't know what to do to make it up to you are unbelievable.

And when I say I erupted, as in the bartender, it's like a classic, classic western film. You've got the bartender, like, cleaning out the glass. There were guys on, on stools next to me. They moved away from me when I just exploded.

And this was New Year's. So like, what a crap way to ring in the New Year. And then, and then we just got blind drunk and moved on as if nothing had happened. And that's how the year continued. Like, we, we would get into these scenarios where he'd bring me his past, and I would feel more and more crazy, and he'd disappear for...

You know, weeks, or days, or evenings, or hours, or however long he decided to disappear, and I would start to notice patterns. He'd start removing me from his stories on [00:10:00] Instagram, he'd start going away with the boys every weekend, and it just started, I kept getting this pull in my gut saying something is unbelievably wrong.

So, that's the whole story up until that point, I can pause before I give you the, the, the sort of pinnacle experience if you want, because that's a lot of talking for 

Ross: me. I'll ask a few bits about where we are now because I know there'll be people listening and hopefully I'll ask the things that they're gonna be thinking.

Delphine: It's a lot. I haven't even told you about the day.

Ross: You won't actually be able to answer this, right? But, like, what was he trying to do by, , Telling you that he's done that with these people, like, I don't see what the goal is for that.

Delphine: I 

think there was, so I demand from my friends, family and partners, absolute transparency and honesty and communication. Because that's what I bring. And I think that's base minimum. And with him because he wasn't very forthcoming with words anyway I said I [00:11:00] really want to start on a on a clean slate and I think that was Misinterpreted as oh, I'm gonna tell you about all of my sexcapades, which is not what I wanted.

I I wanted To know, it was driven by me to be fair, I wanted to know, when we walked somewhere, because we were in his hometown, I wanted to know roughly what the situation was, because I didn't want to have to introduce myself to someone who knew him in a very intimate way, knew who I was, and I was the one who was being the mug.

And I fully appreciate that that was me, but it just happened so regularly that I felt so stupid, constantly, that I wanted to know. Who are these people? And it would have been so much easier, like, okay, well, we dated like three years ago, or like we hooked up once, fine. But the level of detail and the way that he expressed it was just so, it was just so unrefined and rough around the edge.

There was no emotional intelligence. And that's, as someone who's as emotional and as sensitive as I am, like bare minimum would have [00:12:00] been just a little bit more kindness from him. 

Ross: Do you think it was like a lack of emotional intelligence? Or do you think it was almost like a, Almost trying to be like, well, everyone wants me.

So you're really lucky to be with me. So just things are really strange behavior. 

Delphine: Yeah. I often wonder whether part of it was insecurity because he. So, I mean, this is a very English thing, so I, I didn't grow up in the UK and I only learnt about it when I moved. But he's a very sort of like, bright, gingery man, with like, very like, pale complexion, freckles.

And I, here, especially when I was growing up, it was kind of vilified and I didn't really understand why. And I think he was just kind of bullied when he was growing up. I could be wrong. And I think that, and he had a massive glow up. Like, it was very much the case we'd walk into rooms and everyone would just, poof, immediately look at him.

And... In that moment, the correct response would have been like, this is my girlfriend push forward. And then I go, this is mine, you know? And instead he'd walk in going, look at these adoring fans and. You know, I think, I think it's very attractive having a [00:13:00] partner who's attractive and people go like, Oh, who's this guy?

Because it's like, yeah, this is my human, wonderful. But I also expect that this is also my human and then that sort of levels everything out. But I don't know whether for him it was insecurity that he then wanted to correct, or whether it was him just being a bit of a brute and not really understanding.

 The empath in me wants to say that he was just lacking emotional intelligence because he hadn't developed properly or fully in that journey, rather than being an arsehole, but, you know, fine line. So, 

Ross: so after this, new year's where, it all starts unfolding and like how, so was there like other nights out and stuff where this kind of it carries on, but you still keep going to these places and it's still like, oh, look at me.

And

Delphine: so we actually didn't see each other for a few months afterwards, just because I had to come back to the UK and continue with my life. And he went off for various bits of training and he actually ended up so he, because of the nature of his job, he. Often goes off the grid for work. So there was [00:14:00] a period where essentially it was like we'd broken up because I hadn't had any communication with him for about 12 weeks and that was mental.

But the next, and honestly the key. point in this story is when I went back in May for his birthday and various other things and events that were going on. And we had the most wonderful week, the most wonderful weekend. We'd gone out and it was syrupy sweet. Like he, everything that had been wrong had been corrected.

We had a wonderful time, sober, soft with each other. Couldn't, you know, couldn't stand to stay in rooms long enough to like, we just, we just had to be together. It was wonderful. And we shared phone passwords because there was nothing to hide between us and neither of us ever checked and it was fine. And the morning after, the night before, his mum called and I always wake up.

Anyway, before he does and the phone rang and I quickly hung up the call Opened his phone to text his mum to [00:15:00] say he's asleep. Is everything okay? And That gut instinct said scroll and so I had his phone open and I scrolled and that's when it all hit There was sexed after sexed after sexed He'd videoed this girl, he'd sent really inappropriate videos, and sent really horri like, I mean, some of the stuff he was saying to these girls, I had he said it to me, I'd have been like, we're just we can't.

But it was just so unacceptable, the, like, him organizing places to meet them, him, like, saying Great to have fucked you last night. Like, you know, stuff like that. And it just came out and I realized as I scrolled down, there was this wash of adrenaline going through me, that it was just name after name, after name, after name.

And my initial reaction was, I'm going to block them. So I started a frenzy and then went, hang on, what am I doing? Because it's so unacceptable that I am going through his phone. But then my brain kind of went, what he's done is worse. So, I got up, and when I say [00:16:00] to you I was feeling so sick, like I went to throw up and my blood pressure had gone a bit weird because my arms were all tingly and jelly like, and that wash of adrenaline, like I had that sort of patch at the back of my head that I think most people get when you have that sudden spike of adrenaline, and I felt so ill, I had a shower, all the while he's sleeping like a cherub, living his best life, and I'm just losing it.

And he wakes up, and he says, Morning! And I go, Morning. And he goes, Are you okay? I said no. And this is the phrase that I hold on to every time he messages me now. He said, Have I done something? And I said yes, and showed him. And he goes, I didn't do that. I was like, So what is all of this? And I scrolled through his phone.

But that one sentence, every time I, have thought in the last few months, because it's been over a year since we split, that I might want to speak to him, might want to go back, [00:17:00] might want to engage. I remind myself that no one, no one who is not Guilty. No one who is innocent goes, have I done something?

When you, when someone is upset, you go, what's wrong? What's happened? When you've done something, what have I done? And that's the first thing that, and this was in that lucid morning when you've just woken up. Sorry, I'm so impassioned. It still drives me mental, like, ooh! 

Ross: If we rephrase that, it's saying, have I done something, is more like...

What do you know that I've done? Right. Isn't it? I mean, that, that is, is it the fact he's even asking it? It's like, well, why would you ask that? 

Delphine: Right. Mental, isn't it? 

Ross: 

It's enraging. So you've, so you've had this amazing, did you say it was a 

Delphine: week? Yeah, it was a really good week.

Great weekend out. 

Ross: So this amazing week. So these messages, when you say you scroll, are they notifications or is that like in WhatsApp or something like that? 

Delphine: So that was on his messages. Like the iMessage app and it was just different conversations with different girls. [00:18:00] And like, I think I tracked about seven when I first scrolled through and then I had to stop because I mean, I was in the States for another week and I was just thinking, well, I can't leave.

I mean, I could leave, but I can't leave. And I was so in my head about it because we'd also talked about getting engaged and we'd decided, you know, we were thinking about kids and I was coming off birth control and I know it, you know, mental with my age, but it was just the right person and we were planning, he was taking a new...

role to move to Europe, and I had just changed jobs specifically so I could move with him, and our parents were on board, and there was a ring being resized, so there's this whole life being built, and then suddenly I see these messages, and I'm like, nope, not dealing with that, don't want to deal with it, and then the first thing I did was, bam, confront him with it, because what else do you do?

Like, no sane person wouldn't.

Ross: What did he say then, when you're 

showing these messages? I mean...

Delphine: He just shut down and he just went, f k yeah. And I went, I need you [00:19:00] to tell me why, when, what, how. And he just, he just shut down. He just put his hand on his head and he just shut down. And then I took myself off for a few hours.

And I just said to him like, you've got to come up with an answer and a solution. And there were things also that like some of the girls just going back to the Instagram people. I then brought up all these things from the Instagram girls and he said, Oh yeah, well you know, I slept with her at this point and this point and this point and all the people that I was worried about, he had cheated on me.

With during our relationships. I was completely right in those time frames to feel weird about them and All these things had come up and I remember coming back to him Bursting through the doors going and to think you asked me that would I ever tell you if I had cheated You know all these things that he brought up as insecurities to worry about what I was doing when really he was the one doing all of them.

[00:20:00] And then he basically just said, I'm really sorry, I self sabotaged and, you know, this is how I lashed out. And I went, well, I need you to tell me how you're gonna fix this because if you're not fighting for this, I can't do it anymore. And he didn't. He just didn't. And I wish I could say we broke up then and there, but we didn't because I was so in it that I couldn't see the wood for the trees and that's, I'm very upset that how, with how I portrayed myself in that instance, but, you know, love does stupid things.

Yeah, it was, it was a rough day. And then that evening we went out as if nothing happened, if you can believe, like it was just complete delusion, complete delusion.

Ross: I think it's almost like a coping mechanism, isn't it? Especially like, you're away from home, you've, you've just effectively started putting all your eggs in that basket, haven't you?

 You're deciding about getting engaged, you're changing jobs, you're all about living together, and then all of a sudden.. It's like basically you've gone and put all your stuff in this [00:21:00] boat and you're just going go and sailing off together and just, you get into the rough seas.

Oh, by the way, there's loads of holes and we're sinking. Mm-hmm. And then it's, , and then it's a bit of how, how do you survive, isn't it? Yeah. How do you survive? I know it's one of the things you said then you said about like, how do you fix this? What, in your mind at the time, what could he have done to fix that?

Delphine: So, really, really good question because it's so. When trust is broken, it's so hard to rebuild it. And I think anyone who's experienced that in any facet of life knows it's not impossible by any means, but it does require two very active parties. And, you know, people make mistakes, but when a mistakes happen several times over, it's a bit harder to say it was a mistake rather than a pattern.

I did, I did say to him again, the empath in me and also because I didn't wanna be too, I don't wanna use the word neurotic, but I didn't wanna be, I didn't wanna be so. Uncompromising or harsh that I wasn't gonna help him. I did say to him, as the goals move, the [00:22:00] goalposts move, I will tell you. And right now what I need from you is, I need you to be communicative.

I need you to check in once a day. I need you to be more forthcoming with words of affirmation. I need you to keep me in the loop with things. It doesn't mean keeping tabs. It doesn't mean asking him, where are you going? Who are you with? Blah, blah. It doesn't mean any of that. It just meant... You know, just checking in and, and having a normal conversation.

Whereas he'd go away for the weekend and, you know, the last message I'd receive would be maybe Friday morning. And then the next one afterwards would be Monday evening. So he disappeared for that span and he took me off his stories. And so stuff like that is like, that's unacceptable. And to be fair to him, he stepped up to the plate.

He really tried. And I said, I'll take a step back because I give you so much and you give me so little that you're slacking. And he did, he tried really hard for one month. And then after one month. He started saying all this wild stuff, like I just never thought that I'd have anyone when I was progressing my career like this.

And I would always ask, as in, [00:23:00] you never thought you'd have anyone because you'd never have anyone, or you never thought you'd have me. And he'd never answer, skirt around the thing. And, like, there were very clear signs. And the more I stepped back, the less he would do. And so... Really? Had he, had he stepped up to the plate and tried to be present constantly, I think probably we'd been, we might have still continued for several more months.

But what could he have done to fix it? I mean, honestly, probably move to the UK. So we'd been together, but that was already such a broken situation. It was, it was never gonna, I don't know, probably nothing is the short answer. 

Ross: Do you think it would have worked? If he would have moved to the UK, even knowing all that you knew, do you think that would have worked?

Delphine: Now, obviously not. Like, now that I'm sort of really clear headed, no, absolutely not. I think at the time, I mean, I can't understress how difficult it is when you're in it. And I think anyone, anyone who's in a relationship, in love with their [00:24:00] partner knows. And everyone else on the outside is like, have more self respect, do this, do that.

Surely you can see they're terrible for you, but when you're in it, you don't see the wood for the trees. And I kept setting limits. I mean, in my mind, I put him on a six month probation. I said, by the end of the year. This, this, this and this haven't changed, and out. And he didn't know that, but I knew that.

And I said to him, if by next March, you haven't moved and we haven't moved in together and done all these things, I can't do it anymore, because two years long distance is two years too long. I can't do it anymore. Particularly because he wasn't putting in the effort. So, I mean, and I, I was literally talking to my friend about this yesterday.

She's just gone through a breakup, so we're kind of not comparing notes, but I was trying to give her the advice that I... Needed to hear at the time and also avoid the advice that I really hated to hear. I said I would have genuinely needed an intervention from someone else to say, probably my mum, because she's always right and that's really irritating.

But I think I would have needed an intervention from her [00:25:00] to say, you need to stop this. I had a lot of friends who said, you're really unhappy and you've lost your spark. And it's so true. It's so true, but I just couldn't see it. So, yeah, no, it wouldn't have worked, but I don't, I don't know how I would've gotten out of it if he hadn't have pulled out

Ross: The real kind of important points that I

 think loads of listeners will, will resonate with is, when you are in the situation yourself, it's totally different.

Like it's really easy to go to mates, oh yeah, yeah, they cheated on you. Or they, you know, they did whatever and , you shouldn't put up with that. You are better than that. But when you're in it, it's always totally, totally different because obviously you are. You're committed to it and one of the things a lot of my clients actually talk about as well is, is it's not even just the fact that you kind of, it's facing the fact that you're losing that person and you kind of go through the grieving process and that with them, it's, you're almost grieving for the life that you'd planned for and you know, you built all these dreams, you've got like the person, you got all the dreams behind them and suddenly, so [00:26:00] it's not even, it suddenly doesn't even feel like you're just giving up on them, you're giving up on all that.

and that's why, It's so much harder than what your friends see, because all that other stuff hasn't happened yet, so it doesn't, it's not real to them, and it's just two people. You know, and a lot of friends give the classic friend advice, don't they? They give you, oh, yeah, just do this.

Oh, let's all go and get drunk. And yeah, that's going to, that's going to help. Let's have a horrendous hang over, and go and blow a load of money. That like, that's not going to help us it. But friends always go through these motions of what they think they need to do to keep, you on it, don't they?

But as you said, it quite often, it takes like your mom or, or like a real kind of down to earth friend that is like. I'm here to support you whatever you want to do. Yeah. But yeah, it's interesting what you said because I, obviously from me, I'm listening to it. I'm like, that's clearly never going to work.

Right. The trust. the trust side of it. You're, you've got this gaping chasm and you've, there's it, there was this wooden bridge that had been there for years and that you went over with your relationship, but someone's come and chopped all that wood up with an axe and they've just put [00:27:00] a little bit of glue on it and put it back together.

And then they're asking you to now go over it. I mean, you'd be like, I'm not doing that. That's kind of what it's like, because you, you're almost just waiting for it to, Give aren't you waiting for it to go wrong, but unfortunately because of like fine, especially finances and stuff. It's like a real pull for people and especially if you've got like a nice house together and stuff or even you've planned all that.

And then it's suddenly that's gone. So if you fully commit, so you're out, then it's gone. So some people were like, Oh, well, maybe they'll change.

Delphine: , I think also is like, along with the grieving. You're so right. It is grieving the future because I mean, the waves of grief, like I kept saying at the time, it's grief and grief is not linear.

It's cyclical and there are waves. So you grieve that person, you grieve your relationship, you grieve. I mean, in my instance, I grew the three sons that I was never going to have with him, which sounds mental because they didn't exist. But I really, that was so tough. And that was three, four months later that I greet my in laws because I mean, I [00:28:00] love his mom and.

And I, you know, I still really desperately want to speak to her and from time to time I sort of see myself on LinkedIn sending her a message, but it's just not appropriate. But it's also grieving yourself because. I mean, I've cried on a date recently about, well I say recently, this summer about it again, a fellow coach, so he understands and, and he asked me, why do you keep trying to prove to everyone these points?

I was like, I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm just so disappointed that I abandoned myself in that process because I'm a confidence coach. I have always been confident that is who I am and that is my trademark, even though I didn't have the language. And. The grieving of myself at the time was like, I, that person allowed herself to get to that stage, whereas now I have so much more self worth, confidence, a deeper understanding of myself, what I want aspirations, how the bar is so much higher.

But I now see that that version had to exist, and I'm grateful to her for [00:29:00] going through that. Because she proved to me how resilient I am. The depth of my emotional intelligence and capacity, and how far I am willing to go. And also, the thing that my dad said after everything ended was and he's not particularly again, not very forthcoming with his emotions.

We'll put the similarities to one side. He said, Isn't it amazing that at the age of 25, you've managed to experience the fullest range of emotions, something that most people spend their whole lives chasing? And that, I mean even now, like I'm getting emotional thinking about it, but that was just something that tipped me over the edge at the time because It is so true.

And and I say it now all the time, I would go through all of it exactly as it happened with the knowledge I have now. Wow. A hundred percent. 

Ross: That's a really big statement, isn't it? Cause you've gone through, all that pain, but you recognize the strength you gain from going through that pain, you know, it's, it's like, I think as, as humans, [00:30:00] quite often when, when something really bad happens in that, You can quite easily fall into like the, the victim side of things and you use that as an excuse for the rest of your life or for many years as to why you aren't where you want to be.

And then actually, it takes these special kind of people where these real bad things have happened to them and actually they, they recognize that had that not happened, they wouldn't be the person they are today. 100%. Oh my god. Literally wouldn't be that person. So it's really powerful that you're saying like.

You know, and, and a lot of people, they'd say that, oh, yeah, well, that's made me the person today, but I'd say there's probably even less people that would say, yeah, but I'd go for it again. 100%. 100%. That's really powerful. , on another point on what you raised as well, when you were saying about , you almost kind of be hard on yourself, don't you, about what's happened and you, you kind of beat yourself up about that you let it happen. But you know, you have to just be kind to yourself, don't you? Cause no one's perfect. No one, there's not a person on this planet. Yeah. That has gone [00:31:00] through life and not made a mistake. Yeah, it happens. We, all, we all make mistakes. Like everyone makes mistakes, some more than others. But at least if you make a mistake, the most important thing is, is you learn from the lesson.

You make some improvement because of it. I can think of not literally a million, but a million mistakes I've made. And I like to think and then sometimes you make that same mistake twice, but by the third time you've learned the lesson. And that, I think that's probably where a lot of your growth comes from as well.

You make these mistakes, then if you spend the time to be like, why am I doing this? And you mentioned earlier about self sabotage, and I think a lot of people do that and probably don't even realise they do it. They don't even realise 

Delphine: Yeah, I say, you know, it's interesting because full transparency, it took me a very long time to get over that.

And, you know, some people say, oh yeah, but that was because there was sort of an intensity behind it because there were all these future plans and, or it [00:32:00] was a time thing. But I actually think it's the impact that it had on me because you're completely right. I am the person that I am today because of it.

It is, it is the reason why I quit corporate. It is the reason why I went traveling. It is the reason that I raised the bar when it came to dating. It is the reason why I found coaching. It is the reason why I chose to pursue my own path and why I wanted to empower other people to do the same. BUt I think then there's nuance in not making the same mistake again, because it took me, I mean, April, May, and this was, what, May?

Six, seven months later, I was absolutely convinced that I was going to write him a letter. Because he messaged me and he said, Hi, I'm moving to that location in Europe. Do you want my new number? And I didn't respond, because... You know, after everything, after absolutely everything, that low effort message, given he knows who I am and what it would have taken for me to have responded, he [00:33:00] knows me, we've known each other for over a decade, that was such low effort and I wasn't putting up with that.

But I went to my mum and I said, I really desperately want to write this letter, I really want to reconnect, and she said, Okay, I'm not going to stop you, but just give it a month. And if by the end of the month you still feel the same, then send it. She didn't ask me, you know, think about why, or what are you doing it for, she didn't say any of that, she just said give it a month, and I'm so glad I did because I didn't send that message, I didn't even write it.

And, I think the nuance comes in with, it's not about not repeating the mistake, it's about understanding. When you're consciously going through it, when it's an act, when you're an active participant versus a passive participant. When it's happening to you, as you said, the victimhood thing, you're a passive participant.

You don't know why, you're in the headspin, you're going, woe is me, this is such a problem. When you're an active participant, you're going through the motions, but you understand that you're feeling all of it. And while that's worse, you come out the other side better for it, having learnt the lesson. And so, what I've [00:34:00] learnt over the last year, It's not a problem that his name still comes up and it's a habit that, you know, I'm now dating someone who's really, really wonderful and it's the complete opposite.

And it's a habit that the old name comes up and I haven't said it out loud, but I catch myself. I go, that's really interesting. Because if my ex were to turn up at my doorstep, I mean, I still have love for him in the sense that I wish him well. And I genuinely wish him well. I do the whole scenario again.

I just don't have feelings. about him anymore and that's it. And we could have a very pleasant conversation but it would end as the like, hope you're well done. And it's the, it's the active choice of going through it. So now the mistake is no longer being made because I'm having a constant dialogue with myself.

And it's also really interesting how old habits are quite, or old patterns are really hard to shake because with this new human who is wonderful I find myself sort of... [00:35:00] He'll send me something and I immediately go, who was that for? When did that happen? And I start time checking and it's really hard to come out of it, but he's done absolutely nothing to warrant that response from me.

And it's again, like active participation to it, to recognize, actually, it's not going to happen again and it's going to be fine because I have the tools and I'm a lot stronger for it. 

Ross: Yeah. And you've hit on a little bit there to do with neuro linguistic programming, haven't you?

Where a lot of the. bEhaviors and things that you end up doing from, from these kinds of relationships. It's not like, you just suddenly, you're in a new relationship and suddenly that stops. Hence why a lot of people carry on the behaviors from a previous relationship and the next relationship.

Because it's, it's something you do, like when you wake up and you brush your teeth, you always pick it up with the same hand, guaranteed. Unless you consciously go, what am I doing? Now I'm going to do it with my left hand today. And it's exactly the same in relationships, like if you, with what you've been through, it would be very natural to then, you know, straight away say, [00:36:00] Oh, well, why is that?

 The good thing is, , obviously, because of the work you've done on yourself, you recognize these things. So with like neuro linguistic programming, you learn to change that behavior. So like when you notice it, that's when you can do some difference. You change the behavior that you do so that you try and break the pathways as it were.

And again, for the listeners, that's something that people might not realize is , don't beat yourself up when, you've gone through one of these relationships and then you're in another one and you're, you're finding, you're kind of falling back into them same routines. It's because it's something you've done it all the time, like if you had a double bed all to yourself, you always probably get out the same side, you always put on the same, the same shoe, you always put your right one on first.

Yeah, like everyone has all these habits and it's exactly the same in relationships. It's only when you take the time in yourself to actually go, okay, like, is, is that a behavior that's helping me or working against me? Yeah. And then taking the time to try and break it. Yeah. 

Delphine: And I think also that work can be done on your [00:37:00] own and also with other people.

I mean, so many people say. You can only do the work on yourself to a certain point, and it's, it's the, the tensions come up only when you're with someone, and I, I, right now I can only echo that sentiment, but truly, truly speaking, when I started dating again, only, you know, God, four months ago, when I say I was rude to people, I was very assertive in, in my boundaries, when I wanted any inkling of, oof, not sure I, I vibe with that, you know, I'd go, okay, cool, that person isn't worth my time.

And, and, you know, I wish them well on their, on their journey. And that sort of constant litmus test of checking in with myself, making sure that I actually want to be present with this person, making sure that they're actually worth the time, making sure that I like them, and not really worrying if they like me.

Because. You know, if you've matched with someone on an app or you've met them and they asked you for a date, they probably like you enough to be on the date. So let's remove that. And then, then when you're with someone really now trying to see where there are gaps in what I've resolved, just being [00:38:00] honest.

I mean, again, the person that I'm with now is incredible. And it's, it's been, it's been almost scary how well we get on. And I've been very honest and he's just taken it in his stride. And there are people who can do that. And it's amazing that that exists. But it is, it is a joint effort, definitely.

Ross: Yeah. And it's, it's having that communication, isn't it? If you, start a new relationship, especially listeners, right, if you start a new relationship and then lies and that are coming out early doors, that's not going to change. Yeah, that, that, that's always going to be there.

So, , just enough of that nice, open, honest conversation right from the start, and then that's going to give you a much longer relationship. , things will be far better if you can be open, honest, be yourself. Yeah. That's definitely, if there's something you need to take from what Delphine is saying, that's definitely another point.

I want to go back to something else you were mentioning earlier when you were talking about kind of that, and this is kind of going right back, but I, I forgot to mention it earlier, but when you were talking about when it all started and , it [00:39:00] was almost like you were talking about like a...

, it was magnetized, you had this pull together when you have that kind of relationship, do you think that clouds your, your actual. Your head because that's kind of like, oh, , your heart's just going. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah But do you think that clouded your judgment at all at the time?

Delphine: Well, yeah, and I think there's a I think there's there's like an emotional and a biological reason for this I'm, just gonna throw i'm gonna throw some of my psychology at you given the like, you know, why not? So on the emotional side, yeah, absolutely because you know head over heart heart over head whichever way you want to go When there's something really exciting in you you're being chosen And so being chosen is an amazing thing.

And that there's that drive biologically speaking, this, this kind of moment when there's an infatuation you kind of have this overdrive, so chemicals are firing in your brain and you just latch onto that person and it's this. It's that kind of puppy love that people talk about as a teenager into your early, your brain matures at the age of 24, 25.

And so when you're going [00:40:00] into your teens, late teens, early twenties, that kind of puppy love where it's super intoxicating, crazy, is genuinely because you're the prefrontal lobe. on one side which is your emotional side grows significantly quicker than the rational side of your brain which is the other half essentially and that only matures or grows to full capacity at the age of 24 so that kind of and we see it with teenagers when they get angry about nothing and they're just like why are you upset it's like i don't know i just have all these feelings it's exactly the same flip that coin you've got these chemicals firing in your brain, all these synapses and neurons just going, whoo, insane.

And it is just a biological thing. And then I think there's that, you know, people talk about that spark. And the more I look into it, the more I try and understand sort of human condition when it comes to relationships is slow love, getting to know each other. Taking your time soulmates are, are made, not, not what's the phrase?

This is soulmates are made, not born or something like it doesn't, they don't [00:41:00] exist. You have to create something with someone and it's about finding a companion that you can do life with rather than that instant. Like you look across the way and suddenly that's love at first sight. It doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but I just don't think it's as often as we expect it to.

And a hundred percent, it clouds your brain because it's. You want that idyllic lifestyle. You want that storyline. I mean, we're fed, particularly, particularly sort of my contemporaries and cohort. We grew up on a diet of 90s rom coms. And, you know, Giselle, nerdy girl who falls in love with, I don't know, jock of the football team and he would never go for her normally and she's this meek, milded, hyper feminine, he's super macho masculine.

And that's also mental and toxic. But it's the idea of being chosen, so when you're chosen, again passive participant, when you're being chosen it's intoxicating. And now it's like, actually... [00:42:00] You know, hunt, welcome to active lifestyle. If you don't like them, bin them, you know, there's 8 billion people on this planet, you will find someone.

Ross: Yeah. thEy get into that stage where they think , Oh, well, no one else would want me, and it's like, do you realize how many people are on this planet? Right. And they often use their age, don't they? They go, Oh, but I, you know, Oh, but I'm.

You know, I'm well past it. I'm 40 and you're like, yeah, so you're probably like halfway through your life. It might be even longer, you know, you still got plenty of time. Like, don't write yourself off, and I think another good bit of advice she gave earlier, really good bit was about when it was, it was actually mum, so I'll give your mum the credit for that.

wHen she, when she said like, give it a month and see if you can send it. Right. Because., I've seen coaching and we talk about imperfect action and do, like taking action on things, but like in relationships, , , if you've had the kind of stuff that you've gone through, just sending it, Oh yeah, I'm just going to message him.

Like you literally just, you're carrying on the cycle and picking yourself through it again. It's not desperate. It doesn't have to be done quick. You've got that opportunity to go, okay, right. Will I still feel this way in a month? Cause you know, there's a classic saying [00:43:00] time is greatest healer and it is.

So if, if you're thinking, oh yeah, I just need to message him. Well, do the no contact, don't message them. And if in a month's time you still want to message him, then you're probably really set on it and you're, you're probably not gonna, , move past that feeling unless you do it. But I reckon probably 99 percent of the time, you're probably going to realize that he didn't want to send that.

Right. Yeah, exactly. Your situation is a perfect example of that because had you done that, you may, you might not be, but you might have still been going through the motions and actually you might have been hurt again and again and again since then. Right. 

Delphine: And I think it's also giving the, giving ourselves the grace to take our time because I only blocked, well, deleted and blocked him.

Maybe a month ago and that's, that's been a whole year and it was the sort of idea that I'll leave the door open just in case and, you know, why, for what [00:44:00] purpose, why would I, I mean, the number of people who cheated on me with is mental and that level of disrespect that people, people don't leave behind those they love, they leave behind those they used and it's just, you have to see the reality for what it is.

And I just went, why am I scared? Why am I scared? And I, I, I mean, it was so silly. I had my phone and I was sort of shaking around the all block. I went, why? We haven't spoken in a year. Just do it. And I did it and I felt super free. And then suddenly, new human walks in magic. Look at that alignment,

Ross: that's 'cause you're committed to the action, isn't it?

You, you've committed. Why do you think you were kind of leaving that door open , as you put it. 

Delphine: I guess it's the sunk cost fallacy for me. Like, I, I, I always preach I mean, so with my clients, I always preach to them that just because you've been in a situation, whether it's work or relationship for X number of months, years, and it's, if it's not working for you, shouldn't [00:45:00] stay.

And I think it was the idea that we'd known each other for over a decade. We have all this history you know, we've got this plot line together. It was the idea that, well, it can't just be it, but actually. It's the classic action speak louder than words. It's so cliche, but it's true. And when people respect you, they show up for you, even if they show up for you not in the way that you receive love.

If they, if they express it differently, but they show up for you, you can see that. And you just have to learn to decode it or translate it. But I just think I, I guess it's the classic, I mean, I went through the motions of like, oh, I'm never going to find anyone. And again, like there's so much of my life left.

You're so right. But it's the classic, you know, I'm in the period of my life where. 30's around the corner. And 30's not old by any means, but there's the like, hit that peak in your career, settle down, kids, house, dog, you know, those are the marker points. And while I reject them absolutely, it's still there, it's quite hard to remove that sort of entrenched [00:46:00] ideology.

So I was going, well, I'm never going to find anyone, and that's it. And then I went through the rebellion, like, Ah, I probably won't find anyone until I'm in my mid thirties, and I don't even, maybe even forties, and I don't care. And then there's this sort of question, like, Well, you know, there is a biological clock, and I don't want to say it, but there is a point where, you know, there's egg health, and like, fertility, and it's a nightmare.

And I kind of went, well, I guess if the back door's open, who knows? Maybe we'll reconnect. And I still think, I guess it's, I still think that maybe when we're fifty, he'll come looking. And I, and I think it's because we have always gone back to each other over eight years that it's happened. And I just thought it's now time to choose myself.

And I did, you know, I can't be a confidence coach that preaches self worth, self worth, self development and, you know, mindset and not follow my own teaching. So I did it and I should have been so much happier for it. 

Ross: Yeah, definitely, and again, going back to 

earlier on in it, because I didn't ask this at the time just because I didn't want to set the flow, but.

When it was all happening you had this moment with [00:47:00] the phones and you shared passwords Like how did that how did that come about because obviously you're having this like amazing weekend And then how did it suddenly turn to oh, let's share it up as a share passwords and 

Delphine: so that had happened a bit earlier actually because I , we'd be sat on the sofa, I mean it was months before, we'd be sat on the sofa, and he'd open his phone, and he never had the face recognition on his phone, and I mean his password, it's four digits, and I think I just kind of memorized it, and then he wanted me to get something, and he'd say, oh, it's whatever it was, and so I'd plug it in.

Actually, I think it was zero, zero, zero, zero. I mean, it wasn't that groundbreaking, so I mean, he didn't make it hard. And then I think I said, Oh, well, because I've got yours, why don't you have mine? He's like, okay, yeah, sure. And I, you know, I, in my mind, I was like, Oh, great, there's nothing to hide, because I genuinely have nothing to hide.

And so, he could have my phone password, and I never looked at his phone, he never looked at mine. And then when I say to you that there was that pull, I mean, that voice in my head, which I call Nigel, but the voice in my head... And it was [00:48:00] just, boom, loud as hell. I was like, okay, I will. And I just did. I guess it was just, it felt like a kind of natural thing to do.

I don't know how many other couples do it. I think I definitely do it with friends when they say, Oh, can you answer that message or can you change the music? And they just shout their password. You just plug it in. Shout out for internet security. Love that. But yeah, I think it just kind of happened naturally.

It wasn't, it wasn't ever a, I need your password cause I need to see what you're doing. But it helped massively in that, in that pursuit for 

truth.

Ross: In any future relationships, do you think that'd be like a behavior that had come up that you'll feel like you need their password or?

Delphine: No, because I, I know what it feels like when it starts to go wrong and I don't ever want to sit in that position ever again. I don't want to sit in that feeling again. And so when those warning signs come up, I'll just call them out. And if, if the person's being a bit dodgy I'm out, there's no way in hell I'm going through that [00:49:00] again.

Yeah, I don't think so. I think it'll be again this kind of situation. Oh, can you change the music? Yeah, sure What's your password plug it in and that's it But I don't think I'd ever have it as a keeping tabs because again It's that it goes back to trust thing trust is the foundation of everything in my eyes.

And if you lose it, it's Unbelievable. It's how difficult it is to bring it back So if you don't trust their partner you have no relationship If you don't trust, if you don't trust anyone in any circumstance, whatever that thing is, you, it's, it's lost. You've lost the battle already. 

Ross: Yeah. I've kind of seen some of your, your journey really.

Haven't I? Cause I saw, you on a coaching call a while ago now, but I actually remember when you first come on and you weren't anywhere near as confident as you are now for a start. But it was I remember you mentioned how you'd just come out of a really bad breakup and stuff like this.

So for me, it's good. It's really nice to see, I've seen your journey, like I've seen where, you've come already and you're nowhere near the end by any stretch, but it's like, [00:50:00] I can already see the, the different chapters, and it's like this one's ending and new one's beginning.

 Obviously the listeners wouldn't, have seen, you before, but it's like, I can vouch for that, you know, I've already seen your growth. So it's really, really nice to see, to see how you've grown really. Thank you. Yeah. iN terms of , insights or strategies, what do you think kind of propelled you towards your breakthrough?

What would be like the key steps you took to actually healing?

Delphine: WEll, mine was quite dramatic and drastic because I, when I quit everything, I mean, I quit everything. I quit my job. I left London. I, I kind of didn't really tell my parents or my friends where I was going. I kind of just left. I know that's incredibly dramatic and drastic, so I wouldn't recommend it.

But the things that helped me massively were going back to basics and asking myself, what brings me energy? What do I like? So if I ate something... And then I got stomach cramps. I'd go, okay, what was it about that, that gave me stomach cramps? Or, did I like that [00:51:00] film? What did I like about it? And, and sort of rebuilding the foundations of who I am and, and what I enjoy.

And then having a really solid. Foundation as to me and I think the reason why that's important is because when you are gaslit in a relationship Being told no you're wrong that didn't happen and you know that it did and and feeling so Detached and dissociated from who you are. I mean, I mean when I first started the accreditation with you Like I genuinely was a shell of myself.

I I look back at that version. I was such a shell and it just Reality doesn't mean anything anymore And that sounds ridiculous and dramatic as well, but reality just doesn't exist because everything you've built isn't there and it was such unstable ground that it has to go back to, what are my favorite colors?

What films do I like to watch? What can I do today to make myself feel better? So I really fed that in a child, so if she said I want ice cream, we had ice cream. I made gym a massive part [00:52:00] of that. I forced myself to go on walks because I'd always feel better. If I needed to sob, I would sob if I wanted to have an unbelievably hot shower for half an hour and just kind of sink in the shower into a puddle of nothing, that's what I did.

I got my ears pierced, I needed to do something. I found spirituality, I needed something beyond myself. And I got back into painting, which was really important to me. And I got back into creative pursuit, so I set up my own podcast. Started getting really into cooking and just, just going back to really basic, low effort activities of just who I am and who I was.

And then travel, I mean, traveling helped as well, because just changing your scenery a little bit can help, but I hibernated at my parents for a whole weekend and, you know, they brought me bowls of food and I'd just leave them, but it was nice. anD then also looking at who showed up for me in terms of my friends, because I did a cull of my friends and the people around me.

And I was really, really [00:53:00] ruthless with it because it's just, you're kind of killing off an old version of yourself and birthing a new one at the same time. And with that you need to get rid of the, the weight that's holding you down. And I very effectively removed people who were not worthy of the new version of me.

And that sounds harsh but... The people around me shout my name in all, in all rooms of opportunities. They constantly champion my choices. They are such good confidants and they're a really good group. Whereas before I don't think I could have 

said, said the same.

Ross: Yeah. As you know, obviously sat in the coaching world while we talk about a lot is like surrounding yourself with people that are , in alignment of what you want to be.

Yeah. So if you're trying to live your best life and you've got all these big dreams, but all your friends Down and out. They don't, you know, they're not working or whatever. They're using drugs and drinking every day like If there's eight of them doing that, you'll become the ninth, yeah, , you kind of become what you are with the people, like, so if there's people that [00:54:00] aren't in, and people change over the years, but you know, , you will change as you go through life, and then, and if you get to that stage where they're, they're not in alignment with you anymore, then don't drag yourself down, , keep on your journey, keep, keep stepping up, you don't want to be going down the stage, you want to be stepping up, right leveling up as, as I often say, 

and you also mentioned about obviously the passions. Like I think sometimes, especially if you've been in a long term relationship, people forget, before you got in a relationship, you might've been going to the gym regularly. You might've been doing karate. You might've been in a football team and people quite quickly forget about these things they did.

And it almost becomes like a, Oh, don't do that anymore. Because this is, you know, that's what my routine was. And then. If you kind of assess when you've broken up with someone, it's like suddenly you've got actually got a lot more freedom than what you realize that you can go back and do these things and actually try and remember how good it made you feel because you lose that, don't you?

Unless you're doing it regularly, you forget how good you feel with these things. So like reconnecting with them passions, that's another massive, massive point that you've [00:55:00] mentioned something I want to go back to as well, because it literally, I made a note of it here when you said it was when you were talking about your voice and you were like, Oh, when you hear the voice in your head and you're like, I'll call, it Nigel.

I've got to ask this because people are going to be listening like, what? What's that about? So, 

I, I, so I'd say the inner voice. It's not necessarily a negative voice, but you know, that voice that says, are you sure you want to do that? Like the one that will be the, the voice that self sabotages or gets you to do the bad things or whatever it might be.

I just call it Nigel because it's, I like to, what I tell my clients is. That whenever you have an emotion or a feeling that's challenging to deal with again It's the active versus passive participant to it when you're a passive participant You are that feeling when you're an active participant. You have that feeling So if you need to go and grief is a feeling that comes and goes again, it's cyclical So when you're dealing with grief you have grief And if you need to step away from it to have a moment of euphoria, whatever it is, and do a [00:56:00] passion project, you can step away and leave that as an entity.

And so, it's the same with Nigel, but it's, it's like a, it's an affectionate name for the kind of part of me that is saying, I want to look after you, but I'm going to stop you from doing things because, out of fear, because I want you to be safe. And so I find it helpful to name that voice, something else, so I can have a conversation with it, and say, Actually, thank you, Nigel.

That's really helpful, but I don't need you today. And it's just started as a joke, and actually I find it quite useful, because then it's not me, it's not me saying it to myself, it's... It's, it's Nigel speaking to me, which I know sounds a bit mental, but it is, it is a method. And I think also the other thing I just, while you were saying about the, you know, if your friends are all drinking and taking drugs and you become the night person, that was another thing that I was absolutely adamant on.

I absolutely cut out alcohol and there was no recreational activity in that capacity whatsoever because it is so easy to fall into those bad habits, but I went T total. 

 It's too easy to just have a tipple here and there. And I just [00:57:00] went, absolutely not. I'm gonna, and again, this is where looking at who your real friends are, like the, my very, very nearest and dearest found alternatives for me. So there's a great drink called no seco, which is essentially just fizzy grape elderflower situation, but everyone else had champagne or bubbles.

And I had my little no seco and no one would know except the host who'd bought it for me. And so I think it's, it's stuff like that. So when Nigel saying, go on, have a glass of wine. I can go actually Nigel, thank you so much for the suggestion, but I just know that right now it's not for me. anD again, it's taken about a year to go back.

So now I only, I mean, my limits now two glasses anyway, but it's only on very special occasions. 

 I think there's a lot of people that are going to listen to it and they're going to resonate with what you've said and what you've gone through.

What would be the main bit of advice you'd give anyone who's facing similar challenges to you then, what would you advise them? 

So when you're going through it, trust your gut. You are designed through generations and [00:58:00] millennia to recognize danger and things that don't suit you and aren't for you.

And if you have that pull, that urge, that warning sign, even if it doesn't make sense, trust your gut. I don't care if you're lactose intolerant, it doesn't matter, you will know, you will know that feeling, it's, it's that feeling of discomfort and unease, and it is so prominent. If you ignore it, there's a lot of willpower, and I did that for a very long time.

But now it's sort of, it's that misalignment, going, okay, it's not for me. And then I would say for anyone coming out of that situation, throw your entire self at any new person that you think you'd like to start a relationship with. So just like, show them you're weird, basically, because.. I don't believe in putting your best foot forward.

I think that's a fallacy. It's an impossible thing to maintain it's unsustainable. So I think showing someone who you are, and being the most authentic, truest, weirdest version of yourself, if they're not gonna love you and value you for [00:59:00] that, they're not gonna get on with you. And I, I have to say that since doing that every single person has brought me closer to, I think, my ideal match.

And again, the person I'm with at the moment, we are so compatible and similar in how odd we are, that it works unbelievably well. . So those are my two bits.

Delphine. I think your story, people are gonna listen to it for years and be like, yeah, this is really helpful.

There's some really good golden nuggets in there that are going to help people. Thank you so much for coming on and doing this podcast Delphine.