Episode 4 - From Mourning to Meaning: A pathway from Grief to Growth with Samantha Louise Hollett

In this deeply moving episode, join us on an intimate journey as we explore the transformative story of Samantha Louise Hollett. Facing the heart-wrenching loss of both her parents in rapid succession, Samantha found herself navigating the turbulent waters of grief, grappling with the profound impact on her life.

Amidst the shadows of mourning, Samantha shares the pivotal moment when she decided to take control of her narrative. With vulnerability and resilience, she opens up about seeking guidance from a coach, unraveling the threads of pain, and weaving a new tapestry of purpose and growth.

"From Mourning to Meaning: A Pathway from Grief to Growth" unveils the power of embracing life's challenges and turning them into catalysts for personal transformation. Samantha's story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the profound capacity for healing.

Join us as we delve into the raw emotions, the cathartic journey, and the inspiring triumphs that define Samantha's path from grief to growth. This episode is a beacon of hope for anyone navigating loss, offering solace and insights on how to find meaning even in the darkest moments.

Transcript

The Bounce Back to Breakthrough Podcast Episode 4 with Samantha Louise Hollett

Ross: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to another episode of the Bounce Back to Breakthrough podcast. I'm your host, Ross Rolph, and I'm here to guide you through this journey. This week, we have an amazing guest who is going to share some remarkable insights with you around trauma , but most importantly, it's actually around grief and how you deal with this.

 The whole point of the podcast is to help you through these troubling times. So this week, I'm honoured to be speaking to [00:01:00] Samantha Hollett, who has gone through some very difficult times with grief, and without further ado, I introduce Sam.

Hello, Sam. 

Samantha: Morning, Ross. Thank you for 

having me. 

Ross: Thank you for, I would say, coming, but we're obviously in a virtual studio at the moment. I know we've been trying to get this podcast, It's done for a little while they've been very busy with clients, et cetera, but we're finally here together to be able to go through and share your story with people.

I mentioned about, obviously the main part that you're going to be sharing today is about grief because everyone suffers grief at some point in their lives. And what I'm hoping today is that you can give them some insights to help them through these difficult times. 

Samantha: Yeah, of course. 

So it's been quite the couple of years to say the least. It started in the lockdown. I can't remember which one it was. We had multitude of lockdowns, but my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. So my family lived in [00:02:00] Lancashire and I lived in Kent. So quite a distance as well through, throughout the lockdown.

So we had that diagnosis then. And. Obviously the difficult restrictions and but I managed when there was a break within that to go and visit her. And that's sort of how it went for a while. She wasn't given a very long time frame for her diagnosis. And she was told six months if she had chemotherapy and a few weeks if she didn't have anything.

But my mom was a very, very stubborn lady, to say the least, very, very strong. She wasn't having any of that. So yeah, she, she opted for the, for the no chemotherapy, especially with coronavirus somnia up as well. So like I say, it was a very short, short prognosis. However, as in true style of my mom, she then went on to last 18 months.

So it was quite, quite the lengthy process. So I got lots of time to go and visit her after the lockdowns had [00:03:00] finished and the world had opened up a little bit. So that was good, you know, we got to spend some good times together. However, with the sort of long length of it there you know, as a family, we've all, all thought, okay, this is, this is the timeframe we've got.

And you almost there's a level of acceptance of that, you know, if that's what's going to happen. And so the longer it went on, the more sort of the grieving process came up and that there was one stage throughout the 18 months when she did get an infection. And there was a midnight call to, to go as quick as I could to Lancashire.

And I expected not to get there and when I got there she was sat up in bed laughing and joking, you know, why have you made this journey here. And, you know, so it wasn't just. the grief. It was just a whirlwind of going there expecting to say goodbye to her, having a go at me for actually traveling there.

You know, she was saying, why are you here? So yes, it was, it was very, a [00:04:00] very up and down scenario. You know, but I'm ever so grateful that we got the 18 months that we got and I wouldn't have had it any other way with her, you know, like I said, she's a very strong woman. So we lost mom last February, so it was 2022.

And it was quite sudden, like I said, we'd sort of. So we kind of revved ourselves up that she was then going to live forever, because that's the sort of attitude she'd taken to this diagnosis. 

 So it was, it was an up and down rollercoaster, you know, we got this call to say she had an infection, she wasn't going to make the night she sat up in bed laughing when I got there, you know, wondering why I was there.

And then af after the infection, that's when they said two weeks. So obviously then as a family, it was all rallying round. We were all sleeping on her floor. She, you know, and then just, you know, like a miracle out of nowhere. She just bounced back from that as well. So then we were back on, okay, you know, we, we've defeated all of these odds so far.

So we carried on about, about our life. I would go and visit her, you know, the lockdowns at [00:05:00] ease. Then I would go and visit her when I could. Took my son up there quite often you know, and I was ever so thankful to have that time. However, then it was Christmas 2021, and she had gone quite downhill and I think as a family we knew that, but also knowing the strength of her, you know, we weren't too sure, so we rallied around and we all went there for Christmas, and I think it was the first time we all spent Christmas together as a family, because I'm in Kent, my younger sister's in Kent.

And you know, family life's very busy, so it was just lovely. We had everyone together, she sat there reading stories to my son she ate a massive pudding. That was my mum's favourite food and yeah, it was, it was a wonderful time. However, we all went out for a meal on the Boxing Day, and actually that was the last time my mum went out.

That was, that was her very last time out of the house, so that was yeah, Boxing Day 2021. And then she sort of, I think in her [00:06:00] head, she'd, she'd had everyone together, she'd had her Christmas, and she was, you know, she was happy, so she went downhill very quickly, sort of, after the Christmas. But again, still, every time I went to see her, it was like I'll see you again soon.

And I think my mum was very strong. She didn't show any,, she'd made a pact that she would never show how poorly she felt. So yeah, that was that. And then in February 22 she'd sort of had a bit of a stumble had to be carried to her bedroom. buT again, she then sort of rallied around again, she was rearranging her room, I think deep down we all knew perhaps that was it, but we weren't sure, you know, because she was, she was asking for cups and teas and everything.

So again, just a whirlwind. But I was actually on a weekend away with my husband when I got a phone call. It was from my younger sister and she said, I've just rang the house phone. And they've said that mum might be dead. And I said, well, what do you mean? So I'm in the middle of a shopping centre.[00:07:00] 

I said, what do you mean mum might be dead? And she said, well, they weren't really sure. So, you know, obviously then I, I come from a care background. So I was like, well, that's, you know, that's, that's not very helpful. So I then rang the house phone and spoke to my older sister and said, what do you mean? Is she, is she breathing?

And they said, no. So yeah, then we raced back to Lancashire. And yeah, that that was her time. So obviously as a family, we, we expected it, but not because it had been so long, you know, we were given this few weeks and then two weeks and then she lived 18 months. So it was a huge, a huge impact on us because it's like we lived the grief two or three times.

So yes, that was February 2022. So as a family, we then got by. I will, I will just add in there, I was heavily pregnant with my second child at that time. So I had her a month after my mum passed. So obviously it was a, it was a very difficult time. And then my dad obviously struggled a lot [00:08:00] with, with the grief as we all did.

But I think our focus then went to him rather than the grief itself. He was diagnosed a couple of months after my mum passed with broke cancer. So then it was, you know, it was one shift to another. Caring for him, obviously, again, travelling the long distance from the north to the south and vice versa to look after him.

So this was the entire of last year. All the while battling the grief, battling, you know, having another child in the midst of it. A routine that I was very, very good at was not talking, not dealing with anything and just powering through. So I continued with that mindset the entire time. And then we got to Christmas.

So a year later Christmas 2022, and we had dad here and he was on a feeding tube for the throat cancer. He had, however, come through the radiotherapy and it was looking quite positive. However, in himself, he, he didn't want to be here, you know, he made that very clear [00:09:00] and you could see it. So, you know, again, another very difficult Christmas.

Just looking at, you know, the, the shallowness of him that was, was left. So yeah, that, that's where we were with that. Again, we just thought, well, you know, we'll help him get out the other side of it. You know, he's got good news about his treatment hopefully to come. So we had a bit of positivity, you know, and we'd often joke and talk about holidays and bits we'd take him on.

And he did have a spark then when, when we discussed that. So, you know, we thought there was some hope. And then, yeah, February this year, so 2023 my older sister was actually here, so she'd come to see us for the weekend and dad was at home as he usually was and my niece, we'd been trying to ring him and we didn't have any, you know, he didn't answer any phones.

But that wasn't unusual as well, sometimes he didn't answer the phone. So we sent my niece round just because it had been quite a while we hadn't heard from him. And she went round and unfortunately dad had passed away in the garden. So, it was less than 12 months apart between, between the both of them.

[00:10:00] So, yeah, it's been quite the, quite the journey. And it's just, you know, two Februaries, two Christmases all in very, very quick, quick succession. So a lot, a lot for anybody really to cope with and deal with.

Ross: The listeners will be listening to this and no doubt are all going to be, , having their sympathies for you and what you've gone through.

What I would say listeners is Sam does continue to work on herself since this and has gone on to do amazing things since this. Okay, so whatever you're going through, there is. Light at the end of the tunnel. Okay, we go back sound to talk about some of this and some of your thoughts and what you went through.

 So obviously you've mentioned about lockdown. Yeah, everyone knows lockdown was a nightmare. And it's probably made it a bit more difficult for you was this diagnosis with your mum, albeit you managed to see her afterwards, because although they give that [00:11:00] initial prognosis.

It's a diagnosis. I mean, they, well, the diagnosis is this, they were saying six months with chemotherapy. Yeah, she didn't have that. No, she, 

no, she didn't 

want it. Yeah. And then she's carried on for 18 months. So what was it about her that you think has made her, , rather than just hearing and going, Oh, that's what I've been told.

That's what's going to happen. How do you think she's She carried on for so long after that.

Samantha: The strength she was very much would do what she wanted and not what others wanted her to do. She disliked hospitals, doctors, anything like that, so I think you know, she just had the mindset and she was just careful.

She worked heavily with the church so I think she had her religion on her side as well, and I think she just knew, I think she just knew if she had the chemotherapy she would perhaps. Potentially get an infection, obviously in the midst of coronavirus as well. And I think she just, I think she just knew her body and she just knew what she wanted.

And I mentioned before, [00:12:00] just incredible strength. You know, I've never witnessed a stronger body as, as, as my mum. So, I think in her heart she knew, she knew her path. And actually it worked out, you know, blimey, for, for the best. Because she had 18 months longer than, It's said so, yeah.

Ross: I think, because it's well documented isn't it, where like, sometimes people can be told something.

And if they really believe it, that is what happens. So like if someone is told they've only got two weeks to live, it's almost like a switch gets put on in them, isn't it? And they're suddenly like, Oh, that's it. I'm gone. And quite often they will die within two weeks or before. Whereas I think the key difference is it's to do with this mindset, isn't it?

If you're one of them people who's practiced throughout your life, that you don't just take what is said to you. As that as being a fact, because as you know, most things that people tell us aren't actually facts. They're really strongly held beliefs [00:13:00] that they have that people try and put into your life.

And restrict you with that is actually just their beliefs, as opposed to actual facts like, you know, fact would be the sun is coming up in the morning. Yeah. Whereas the fact wouldn't be that you know, everyone is capable of becoming an Olympic level swimmer. If they practice once a week, but that's just not gonna happen, is it?

You know, but I might believe that because I might be an exceptional swimmer. Yeah, so I'm not. If anyone knows, right, I'm not, but just doing a bit of an analogy there. There was obviously something with your, your mum's mindset that she was. Obviously thinking where they told that I'm not just going to take that I would last and get through this, you know, and it could be it's obviously part.

It might be part mindset, part religion, but there was obviously something there wasn't there. So in a real kind of strength, real strength to just get past that. And then. You've mentioned about [00:14:00] the long drawn out grieving process a bit, because it's, we're all born, we all know that at some point we're going to die.

However, I think most of us go through every day, not necessarily acting on that. So we always think we've got another day. And we always think we've got another day. We do that tomorrow. We do that next week. You know, I would do that holiday another year, but there's obviously a bit of power in if. You know, a doctor or someone has said that, person's only going to live so long.

, There's a bit of a timeline on it, don't you? How do you think that made you look at life different with your mum?

Samantha: I Think seeing, seeing the strength and her attitude towards it, because I think Where I was back then, if that was a me, if that was me with the diagnosis, I think I would have, I think I would have given, given up, you know, I would have had the diagnosis and, you know, obviously the outcome in my head, but seeing, you know, every time she was faced with something, how she came back stronger from it.

You know, I think it, [00:15:00] I've always known that she was strong, but I think seeing that, and seeing how she got through it every time, and no matter what she went through, her family was, you know, crucial to her and, you know, she just wanted to make the most out of it, so I think, I think witnessing that. And witnessing like, you know, like we mentioned, having that diagnosis and being told that's it, this is your life now.

Like, you can't imagine it unless you, you've had that yourself. But I think just seeing her be able to, you know, live that long, and, and she was happy. Until like the last couple of months that she went down here, she was, she was happy, she was out, she was still doing all of her church events, she was, she was living her life, you know, without.

You know, sort of succumbing to the diagnosis, if that makes sense. So I think just witnessing that really helped me, helped my mindset. And when you 

Ross: say she was happy, how did you know that? Like, what was it about her that she was doing or portraying to you that made you know she was happy? 

Samantha: I think because nothing changed, [00:16:00] nothing changed, you know, she had this diagnosis and she looked unwell, you know, there was a stage she was bright yellow you know, from the liver, she was really yellow, but nothing changed.

She still went about her days as normal, she still did everything she could she still went to all of her group she was still available because it was phone calls mainly for me whenever, whenever we could, we had a daily phone call. It just, nothing changed, you know, to look at her, to see her behavior, you wouldn't think that there was anything wrong with her.

And I think, I think that's, that's how I knew, that's how I knew she was happy and she was still doing what she wanted to do. She was determined, she was, she was living as long as she could. So yeah, just, just seeing that, you know, it changed for us, but it didn't really change for her that much, not, not for a long time.

Ross: I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of when he was saying about how. We all know that at some point we're going to die, right? But when you're suddenly told it, it'd be very easy to just basically go, Oh, well, that's it then. And you just, when you give up at that [00:17:00] point, you give up.

And then rather than making the most of them, you know, last week, last month, last day, you, you just give up. You just simply give up and go, Oh, I've had enough. That's it. But actually, I think when you've demonstrated and obviously had a good mindset throughout your life, you have the resilience there to go, well, I'm going to make the most of this.

And, the classic saying, everyone says, you only live once and live every day like it's your last. They're the kind of sayings that people throw out a lot of the time, don't they? But I can only imagine that if, you know, when you know that you have got some terminal. illness and it, it is going to be the demise of you and you haven't got long, does that also have a switch that you're like, right, I am now going to live every day like it's my last and I would imagine, a lot of people probably go out on walks and just walk the route and don't really notice things.

Whereas I'd imagine when you know that you may never [00:18:00] get to see that again, suddenly those leaves fall on the floor, the crutch beneath your feet, the smells probably mean a bit more. You don't know if you're going to get to do it again, do you? sO yeah, it's really interesting that your mum basically hasn't just given up, has she?

She didn't just give up, she's basically gone, okay. Yeah. Well, I'm going to carry on living it that way. And there's probably an element there, what you're saying, that even when she has been in pain and uncomfortable, she's tried to shield you from it, hasn't she? Because she's not, probably not wanted you to remember her for that. Which actually, , that worked because now you're now on a podcast and you'll talk about. How amazing her mindset was, which probably wasn't what you thought we'd be able to talk about, but actually that is part of what you've explained there, isn't it? Yeah. So, , that's just even a little bit more of the.

Legacy. How difficult did you find it then having that, that hanging over you though, like that impending doom [00:19:00] type feeling? I

Samantha: think with the the distance and the travel as well and the stress of the phone calls, you know, especially when she was in hospital and I missed the phone call because I was asleep.

So I woke up at five naturally and had a load of missed calls and a voice message. sO it was, it was quite, it was really traumatic, I think, because it was, I've missed this and then, you know, doing this journey, which was five hours and trying to do it in about two in my head because I had to get there.

But again, like you say, every time, what I did is every time I saw her, I would then leave and ring my husband and say, I don't think I'll see her again. And that was just the natural reaction that came to me because that's what I thought. Because we didn't know, you know, we had no timeline really, inevitably.

So yeah, and the effects that I gave myself by having that mindset just made it so much worse. I sort of had almost no control of it, you know, I saw her strength, but myself, I didn't have that, you know, every time I saw her I was Well, that was the last [00:20:00] time and, you know, we'll be in a lockdown next time, so I won't be able to travel and, you know, it went over and over in my head.

So it had, it had some, it had some big effects, but like I mentioned earlier, my mindset back then was ignore and carry on. So I didn't realize the effects it was actually having on me until later, later down the line. I just kept having my moment and then carrying on 

having my moment and then until it was just, it was just too much.

You can, you can only handle 

so much.

Ross: So was you doing the routine of, you're trying to be strong for mum, so you're not really showing any emotion or anything, and being a bit kind of, , just go there, get things done and then it's, then in the car, home or whatever, you have your kind of break down or cry or whatever.

Samantha: Yeah, that's absolutely it. Yeah, yeah. And I've always been, sort of, you know, everything's okay, and as long as we don't talk about what's going on, everything, everything is okay, isn't it? Because if we don't talk about what's going on in the world, what traumatic things we're going through, you know, everything's fine.

But actually, as, as we know in this line of work, that, that [00:21:00] isn't. That isn't how it works. You know, it gets deep rooted and then becomes trauma and has really, really negative effects on your whole life. So that was my coping mechanism to deal with it. And you know, it wasn't the best way to deal with it at the time.

And obviously I've learned that through the second grief experience. But like I said, that was, that's what I needed to do at that time to keep me going. Obviously, I didn't know the timeline and how it was going to go. So it was, it was, it was keeping yourself as straight as you could really in, in them circumstances.

Ross: So how do you think you presented to others then whilst you were at this stage when, mum's still, here, but it's, it's getting closer, you know, and it's building up to that last Christmas. How were you presenting to others, do you think? 

Samantha: Absolutely fine. Because this is what I've always been very good at.

Is that Sam's fine. Sam's doing really well, you know, and my mum's terribly [00:22:00] ill and It's potentially last Christmas, but she's, she's doing well, you know, she's strong. That's, you know, my friends would always describe me as she's strong, you know, she can take, she can take a lot of stuff. So I think, yeah, that's what they would say.

She would say, wow, wow, she's doing, she's doing really well. But 

Ross: there's always a bit of a risk of that, isn't there? That, that when you're While the ones in your kind of support network, your friends group that people perceive as being strong, they're almost less likely to offer the support and keep checking in because they're just, , they're telling us how far she's strong.

And sometimes it can be because of, , their own experiences, their self, their own grief and trauma they've been through. But actually, they almost don't want to ask because if, if you tell them. They're then thinking, well, where do I go from here? I don't know how, I don't feel I'm equipped to help them.

But most friends, , will help when it comes to it. But if, if you're presented as being fine, then they're less likely to. And it's often, unfortunately, it's not until, [00:23:00] someone has that kind of breakdown moment that friends then go, Oh. They're not okay. Yeah. And that's one of the difficult things because everyone deals with grief differently, don't they?

Everyone deals with it completely differently. So that last Christmas then, did that feel different to the others? Yeah, I think 

Samantha: so. I think when we all sat around that table on Boxing Day, it was the first time we'd all been together for a long time. I think we, I think we knew I think, I think we knew then, and she looked like, I looked back at pictures and she looked so happy.

She was reading a story to my son and one of the other family children, and she just looked so happy. And I just thought I hadn't seen her like that in a while. And I think, I think she had accepted, she knew because she almost did give up after Christmas. Like I said, she didn't go out again, she chose not to go out.

So I think she had decided then. And I think as soon as we realised that she wasn't going out again, that, you know, our sort of inklings were right, because we didn't know, we hadn't been told anything. But I think we just looked at her, [00:24:00] I just looked at her and I just thought she's happy, she's, she's done what she wanted to do, she wanted to get to Christmas, she wanted to get out of the lockdowns, she wanted everybody together again, so.

I sort of, I sort of had a feeling, but again, I think you don't want to admit that perhaps it is, you know, so I went with the feeling, but again, it was, it was still a shock when it happened, because I think you just tell yourself that it will never, never actually happen, especially when it's, it's a long drawn out process like that as well.

It's almost like you don't know when the inevitable is going to happen. But I think deep down I knew. But you know, that memory of seeing her happy is, is, is really, you know, it really sits with me in a, in a nice way.

Ross: I suspect she 

 Probably knew that as well, didn't she? When, you know, it's coming up to that, she's probably accepted to herself when this is the last one and probably enjoyed it more than most people would.

, I think if anyone knew that, , the coming Christmas is their last Christmas, I expect you look at it entirely differently. I think most people try to make [00:25:00] the most of Christmas, don't get me wrong, but I think there's, there's a real power in that. If you really felt that was your last one, , you'd say a bit differently, you wouldn't be stressed about all the food and stuff like that because it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It's just about everyone being together. So, while all this is going on, , you said about you were pregnant as well. Was that making the emotional side of it more difficult or was you like shutting yourself off?

How, was that going? I 

Samantha: think, again, I just shut myself off. As, as the story unfolds, I think it did have an effect on the pregnancy, but I didn't realise until, not realise until now. Sort of that side of things, but I think I just shut myself off. I almost forgot because I was eight months pregnant at her funeral.

So I was, you know, quite heavily pregnant. And I think I just, I just shut it off, you know. That's, that was, that was my power at the time was to shut it off. So yeah, obviously I felt uncomfortable and I knew there was, there was an impending doom with that as well because I just knew that she [00:26:00] wasn't going to see her.

My second child, so there was that added into the mix as well, and she, I think she knew she wasn't going to be there for the birth as well you know, so every time she gave me a gift, I had that added to it so yeah, it's sort of a tale of two halves really, but I think, I think I just, I had my head down, I was getting, I was getting where I needed to be, which was the funeral and having the baby, so yeah, I think it was a shut yourself off situation.

Ross: wHen you were going through all this at this point, did you still manage to keep yourself healthy

Samantha: it's a good question that. So I felt like I was healthy. I felt like I was coping the best I could, but I had my second baby in April and in June I was hit with really, really chronic gallstones.

Really intense. I had to get an ambulance a couple of times. It was so intense that I had, you know, a couple of months old child and I couldn't get out of bed for the pain. [00:27:00] So you know, I, I thought I was coping well but my body had had different, different ideas of that. So it resulted in surgery.

, and when, when I had the surgery, it was chronically inflamed, and they didn't know how I'd got to where I was, still with a gallbladder and I had pancreatitis at one stage as well, so I think. my body knew that I wasn't coping the best it could. My mindset thought it was, but my body had different, different ideas.

Ross: And quite often our bodies are the first sign of things not being right, aren't they? Because, , that's how they, how they show us. okAy. So when you the news about your dad, then your dad's diagnosis, how was you? Coping at that point, just before that news had come in. 

Samantha: So I coped for quite a while, as as I did.

And then I sort of hit, hit a phase where it all got too much. And I think the more you shut stuff up, up and don't deal with it, the more it builds up. And like I mentioned with the gallstones, there's only so much a person can take. [00:28:00] So at that stage, I wa I wasn't doing my best. You know, I, I remember going to the doctors.

And just thinking, you know, I had nobody and I did, of course, I had a lot of people, but that's what it felt like. It felt like no one understood. Nobody knew what I was going through, even though everybody else had had similar experiences. I remember going to the doctors thinking, you know, they're going to diagnose me with, I don't know, chronic.

depression or something. And she just said to me, Oh, it's low moods. And I remember just leaving there thinking low mood, blimey. I wish you, you know, I just wish you knew how I really felt. And it just, it felt like, yeah, that I didn't know what I was doing at all. It was not a good time. It was not a good time mentally, physically.

I'd had some bereavement counseling which had helped to a point. But also it had brought up a lot of other stuff from, from my past as well, alongside the grief. I think the best way to describe it is it just felt like I was at a, a wall and I [00:29:00] didn't really know which, which way to turn. And then we got the diagnosis about dad, and I think the switch in my brain was it's almost like, here we go again.

But I just, I don't know. I just thought, oh, it'll be okay. And it's, it's a strange one to describe. It's a strange one to describe. I felt like, you know, I couldn't carry on, but then once we got this, it was almost like my brain was like, oh, right, here we go. Let's look after him now. So it was a, it was almost a distraction again, if that makes sense.

Ross: It's almost like it's because suppose in your head, somewhere in your head, I mean, two things. One, you've already gone through similar and got through it. So it knows that actually. You can get through it and then, but it's also probably a bit of programming and it's almost like that program. Oh, right.

It's this program now. And then you default to go and how you normally deal with it, but obviously, as you've alluded to how you were dealing with the previous one, [00:30:00] wasn't the best either, , and everyone deals with it differently. But then within a very short amount of time before you've had time to reprocess it and try and start recovering.

recovery, you're kind of thrown straight, straight back into it, aren't you? Talk us through how you got through this second part of your job then. 

Samantha: Well, it's, it's pretty amazing really. So I went through this huge transition of bereavement counselling and then I, I found myself a coach.

Actually she was a self love coach at the time, but like I mentioned, I just felt like I didn't, I didn't have a purpose anymore. 

Ross: , what made you then say, cause obviously you're going through all this.

So , what made you suddenly go for a coach? 

Samantha: So I'd seen something on Facebook of somebody that I knew that was doing coaching and some of her posts had resonated with me a couple of times and I was thinking, no, she won't be able to help me because nobody was, is able to help me. So I think it caught, sort of caught my eye.

And then I just hit that stage and I just [00:31:00] thought, well, you know, it's, it's worth a try. Anything's worth a try at this stage, you know, because I'm not coping by myself anymore. The doctors just think that I've got low moods, so that's not really much help. I didn't get on too great with bereavement counselling.

I just, I just think it was my last sort of resort, to be honest, Ross. It was, let's try this. What have I got to lose? Sort of, sort of thing. 

Ross: What was it about the bereavement counseling that weren't doing enough for you? 

Samantha: I think because I had to talk. And the whole thing that I learned on the first grief experience was that I didn't, I didn't particularly like to talk.

So I think sitting with someone to talk about the grief obviously brought up, it brought up what was necessary. But for me, it was, well, let's, let's shut myself. You know, I didn't, I didn't really enjoy talking back then. It's very different now, but. So it is, it is very good, very good, you know, and there was some really good coping techniques that I learned in there, like writing a letter to my mom which [00:32:00] really helped.

And that's one thing that I would say I did find really helpful once I got round to doing it. buT I think for me, I just needed, I just needed something more, you know, I didn't need to keep talking about the grief and the loss and the trauma and everything else involved. I need, I needed more of a purpose now, I needed to find a shift to turn, to turn things around.

You know, when you lose a parent, it, it's, it's, you can't really describe it, the feelings, it's, you know, they, they're your rock, they're your idol, they're your guide. So it's, it's, it's very, it's very different, and I can't, like I say, I can't, I can't really explain the feeling, but I just needed more purpose, I needed something else, you know, this, this couldn't have been all, All that I was, you know, going to be dished in the world.

So, yeah, like I say, I met, I found a coach signed up to her yearly package. So it was group coaching at first and predominantly self love. And at the time I remember thinking, self love, what's that going to do? You know, but I just felt [00:33:00] called that this was the right thing for me to do. And when I say it's been life changing, I'm, I'm not even, I'm not even joking.

The tools and techniques that I've learned. I swiftly went on to one to one coaching with her and it completely changed my life and it changed my resilience, my mindset and the way I completely dealt with the second lock. So it really was, it was, it was a case of, it was there at the right time and something told me, give it a try because you've got nothing else to lose.

I don't think I'd be here doing this podcast if I hadn't have haven't gone and done some coaching.

Ross: So I'm just going to go back, Sam, just to when you were saying about it, , the coaching increased your change of mindset, your resilience and that side of things. Did you know anything about coaching before you saw this post?

Samantha: No, I didn't even, I didn't even know, as naive as it sounds, I didn't even know what coaching was at all. 

Ross: Nope. And many listeners might not because I know before I [00:34:00] was a coach, I didn't really either. I kind of just put kind of like, , counseling and mentorship and coaching all just in the same box, really.

Actually, they're all very different. By no means on here, are we saying that counseling is not worthwhile or anything like that. Yeah. Everything has a purpose. Therapy, everything has a purpose. But I think the point. Sam's trying to get to here is sometimes you just need to try something. 

Like don't, don't write things off before you've actually tried it. , I've seen online coaches get quite a negative response sometimes from people. And often it's people that are stuck in their life and unhappy and they're saying, and they're telling other people that a coach can't help them, but they've never tried it and they've never done it.

Right. Some, there does come a point in life where. Sometimes you just need to try something new, the classic saying, if you do the same thing you've always done, don't be surprised when you get the same result, you know or worse that effects, I think I just changed it [00:35:00] marginally, but you know that if you're always doing the same thing, you always get the same result, right?

Try something new, because you're a classic example of you've tried something new and you didn't necessarily understand that you didn't know exactly what it would give you, right? You've tried it, and then you've just absolutely blossomed from it by doing that one little thing different, one little thing different.

And I think the thing is with, with counselling as well is, for people to bear in mind is where they do all do different things, some types, it's very kind of, you're always looking back and you're trying to repair what's there, but you mentioned about purpose.

I'm a big believer that purpose is super, super important, but you have to have a purpose in life. You have to. Feel, you have that purpose, you know, what are you doing this for? Because if you have no purpose, where would you have the drive or anything? To get anywhere, to do anything, and I don't mean as in a purpose, as in to turn up and go to work on a Monday and do a job of, you know, whatever it is you [00:36:00] do, that, that isn't you, that's a job, yeah, like quite, and this ties into a bit of identity as well, like quite often, if you say to someone like, Hiya, what do you do?

And they'll instantly tell you about what they do for a job. I mean, no, what do you do with your life? Yeah, yeah, who are you? What is your life about you? Who are you? Who do you identify as? You Yeah, people will go, Oh yeah, I'm, I'm a postman or I'm a butcher, I work in retail. , I haven't asked what, what you do for a job, I'm asking what you do.

What do you give to people? What do you do for you? And if you listen to this and you find that hard to answer, it's probably worth spending a bit of time to actually think, you know, you. Because we spend so much time thinking about all these other things going on. Everything in the world is trying to get your attention.

And what is your most valuable asset is your attention and your time, right? But how much of that do you give for you? Like, if you can't even have the time to spend five minutes and [00:37:00] just sit there and think about you, what do you want, then you need to swap your priorities and you need to make you the priority, even five minutes.

It's enough just to start thinking about you., So when you did this coaching, then Sam, so you mentioned you signed up, you said it was a year long. Membership. 

Samantha: Yeah, group coaching package. Yeah. So it was one call a week on a Monday evening. So once a week and you would get, you know, some leaflets and bits to help you and work.

But ultimately it was just the one call a week on self love, which at the time I thought self love, you know, what's, what's that going to help me with? But it was, it was, it was what was missing. It was, it was entirely the huge piece that was missing in, in all of this, was putting my needs, my healing my everything to, to the forefront, which is something that I've, I've never done throughout my life.

And it, you know, she, the coach knew, she knew after our initial call and I just had the, had the faith, I [00:38:00] had the jump to do it, to try it. I've, I've never looked back at all. Yeah, it's been remarkable, 

Ross: really. Explain to us what it was about the self love then, because I think people will be listening and they'll be going, self love?

Like, you've, you've just spent, you know, all this time telling us about the grief you've gone through. How did, how does self love help? 

Samantha: It's your needs. It's, it's what you need as a person. So obviously with, with the grief experience. You're ultimately you're looking out for family as well and you might be looking out for yourself as a little bit of the time, but especially if you've got, I've got two very young children.

So my focus in the grief was them as well. And my focus was never me. It was never what I needed to feel a little bit better, what I needed to be able. Not heal in such as heal and forget, but heal enough that I could move forward with my life. You know, it's something that I learned on my journey, which you'll, you'll be aware of, is that life is happening to me.

And [00:39:00] that's what had been happening throughout a lot of my life. And through the self love, I learned that it was happening for me, which probably sounds bonkers to people when I'm relating it to grief. But everything that I went through and everything that happened, Was for me to see that there was, there was more to my life, more purpose and learning the self love technique and learning to trust myself and limiting belief, you know, such as I'm not good enough, you know, getting them out of the box and dealing with them and changing them.

It was just, it was, like I say, it was just life changing. It was, it's putting yourself first because in grief you are a hundred percent, you know, at the forefront of what you need at the time. And you know, especially in society and things, you know, there's a timeline on grief. If you go to the doctors, they say that you should start to feel better after six months.

Well, that's, that's not the case for everybody. You know, everybody's different in their journey. And I think that that's what I needed. I needed [00:40:00] to, okay, stop for a minute. This is what you need. This is how to look after yourself. Self care, self love, self worth, self compassion. And, you know, that I could be a person with the grief, as well as mum, as well as cook, cleaner everything else.

I could still be a person, and that, that's what it's taught me. You know, self, especially self care, that's something that I, again, I'd never practiced. I might, you know, have a bath every, every now and then, but, you know, now it's something that I ensure I put in at least a couple of times a week. And it really was the turnaround for what, what I needed, you know, my well being, your, because your well being is so important. So put it all together and it ultimately comes down to you because you, you are important. And it was that realization for me that, oh, actually I am important. I lost my parents.

And this is, this is what I need to, to move. to move forward and still have, still have a good life at the same time. So 

Ross: I think there was a couple of points I want to make on with [00:41:00] what you were saying there, Sam, with so like the timelines that when you, have a doctor saying, , you should start to feel better in six months.

That could be a massive, massive barrier for people because if, , people rightfully respect doctors and their opinions and things they say, right, but if someone says to you, you should start to feel better in six months, you're also telling, , in your mind that's, well, I'm not going to feel better until six months time.

So you're basically then telling yourself that you're going to spend six months feeling like crap, but actually through learning. techniques, you can decide how you feel to an extent. Yeah. And it, otherwise you're, you're kind of just saying, okay, so how am I going to get through the next six months?

Because if, if you're really feeling it and, you know, it might've been a really traumatic way that your loved one has passed. Some people might be thinking, I can't do six months. I don't even know how I'm going to get through today. And then [00:42:00] obviously the end, , , with like suicide stats, how they are, that's a real risk.

That's a real risk by putting these kind of timescales on things because if someone's that low, they may think, well, I, that's it. , I'm not strong enough to do that. Whereas by having that shift and being a bit open to the opportunities in front of you, but actually I can start making myself feel better.

I'm in control of how I feel. And you start working at that, and it doesn't mean it's just going to resolve things instantly or anything like that, but if you could feel 5 percent better each day, wouldn't you rather that than knowing that you're not even going to start to feel better for six months?

Yeah. And this is what I mean when people talk about the power of words. They are really powerful. They are really powerful. You know, it ties in again to like, things like the Law of Attraction Act, like people don't realise that a lot of the time, the things you're thinking about that you don't want to happen, and you spend so long thinking about things you don't want to happen, you're putting [00:43:00] in all the energy to making that happen, as opposed to what you do want to happen, you know, actually focus on that.

There was another bit in there that you mentioned about with, about dealing with the grief, and putting yourself first, because Especially if you're the type of person where, you know, you're always caring for others, helping others. That kind of line of needs, you're always at the line. And that bowl of food, for want of another analogy, that you're giving out to everyone, can only split so far.

And if you're always at the back of the queue, and you're only just getting that last little bit, are you really giving yourself the nutrition you need to be able to care for other people, to be able to help other people. And I think what a lot of people may resonate with in that is that people can often feel guilty, can't they?

They can feel guilty if, with how society is now, , if you talk about putting yourself first, it's like, oh, oh, that's a bit selfish. Yeah. Is it? Is it really? Yeah, because it's, like If you're always at the back of the queue [00:44:00] and you're tipping from a half full glass, how is that helping anyone?

Because you're not giving them the best view. If you look after yourself by actually spending that little bit of time just to get yourself up to a, an even level. And yeah, that might mean saying no to a couple of things to people, but if that brings you your game right back up, you can give much more to people.

You can give much more. So, I don't want anyone listening to this to think that by doing anything for yourself, when you're going through these real difficult times, it is not selfish. You don't need to feel guilty over it. You need to look after yourself. Yeah? Especially when you've got young kids and stuff.

By looking after yourself, you are a better parent to your kids. Yeah. Rather than just being absolutely run ragged, in a real bad mindset. And them being the impact of that. 'cause they will feel it as well. They will feel how you are feeling. Their kids, kids are masters of body language and stuff, just [00:45:00] like once and stuff.

They read into everything that you are doing. So even if you think you're hiding it. You're normally not. There's normally real signs there. The point I'm trying to make with this is there comes a time where you have to put yourself first. You have to put yourself first and be open to opportunities and open to a different way of thinking.

Growth mindset, as we refer to Sam, don't we? , just because you've always seen things a certain way. It doesn't mean you always have to see it that way. There's plenty of opportunity to go, actually, why don't I try something new? Actually taking that opportunity. So how long was it when you started doing this coaching and that you started feeling the impacts now?

Samantha: I started the coaching in the October after mum passed. So like seven or eight months after and I started seeing some, some good improvements after probably six, six or seven weeks. I went on to one to one coaching, which you know, really helped having that one on one time. So, it started to [00:46:00] dramatically improve.

However, then we had the second loss that came within that which was, it was very strange at the time, because obviously it was really traumatic. And, and, you know, terribly sad because that wasn't expected, you know, he had an expectancy of the throat cancer would be gone. So then you had the other side of the grief, which was the unexpected side, but I just felt completely different, you know, I, I was, I was very sad and, you know had a lot of the same feelings I did from mom's passing, but I also felt that it would be okay.

And that was the main shift for me. It was. It would, it would be okay. And more importantly, I would be okay. sO like I said, it's, it helped quite quickly and then I had a little bit of a, a bit of a, hey, you know, this has just happened. But then I carried on with the coaching and here I am today.

And this is in no means saying that I don't grieve because I do. And obviously Christmas is around the corner and it's, it's a difficult time. You know, this is [00:47:00] last year was our first one without mom. This year is our first one without both. And, you know, I do grieve and I have, we put the tree up and I had a couple of moments.

So it's not in any ways to say that I don't grieve, but I just, I have dealt with it so much better. I know, I know when I'm upset. I know what I need to do to help. I know that I can talk to people. Also, you mentioned a point before. And I felt a lot within the first grief that I was a burden to people.

If I was to keep talking, ultimately, what I felt like going on about it, people would be like, Oh, you know, just, you know, she's, she's still talking about it. And that, that's how I felt. And I came to realize that's, that's not true at all. You know, people are there to help. They're there to be talked to.

So yeah, just completely just the opposite way that I dealt with it. I went, I turned to journaling again, which is something that I've never done before. And I find that really useful. The one thing that I will mention was gratitude. That's something that I started [00:48:00] within the coaching and I do it every day and it's crazy to say I'm grateful for what's happened over the last couple of years because obviously I'm very sad about what's happened.

But I'm grateful for the changes in myself. And these changes wouldn't have come if I hadn't have been through what I'd been through. So I'm grateful for that side of it. So gratitude is another one that I learned. That's really helped. 

Ross: Yeah, I, was just going to jump in on that. Like I'm a massive, massive believer in gratitude.

Like when I was going through my kind of tough times in life, I think one of the biggest shifts for me when I started practicing gratitude without shadow of a doubt. And it is something that, when you first start doing it, you might be, it might be like, Oh yeah, grateful I've got a car or a house.

Yeah. Like as most people start, it's quite big, big things and materialistic things. And then it can quite quickly turn into things like,, I'm grateful that I have a mind that I'm able to think for myself. [00:49:00] I'm grateful I have running water and other people don't have that. I'm grateful that if I want to go for a walk, I can, you know, like it can be the smallest of things.

I think the more you practice that, and the more you look at life in, through them eyes, it absolutely has a massive, massive power. And I do believe that the more grateful you are for something, the more likely you are to be given more. Because if you've got stuff in your life and you're not grateful for it, I guarantee it'll go at some point.

And applying this to what you've been through. I can 100 percent say how that's helped you, because rather than just focusing on the fact that they're gone, you're grateful for the fact that you got to have one last Christmas. You, you're grateful that you got to spend 18 months as opposed to two weeks.

It is a mindset shift, but I think there's so much power in how you look at things is so much power and being grateful for [00:50:00] it. So I had to jump on that because I'm a real big believer in gratitude. 

Samantha: Me too. Yeah, it's exactly how you said it. I got to a stage once I'd been doing it for some time is that I felt, grateful for having parents, , and last year I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have felt grateful for that.

I would have just felt, you know, why, why did this happen? , why did she have to go? And then, , to add in the second one in the mix. But to be grateful, to be able to look back and be grateful for all the memories and be grateful that, you know, the rest of us can still do things in their honor, you know, like trips that, we went on a lot of holidays.

So to be able to go to these places with my children, and it's like you said, it's a complete mindset, mindset shift, and it takes, , like I say, it doesn't take any of the grief away, but it just, it gave me purpose, it gave me. You know, the, the power to move forward and ultimately we only get one life as I've learned quite swiftly, anything can happen in it.

So, , why not make the most of, of what we've got? You've got to have your purpose. You've got to have, you've got [00:51:00] to do what you want to do. You've got to leave a legacy behind. You've, you've got to be, be as happy as you can. And if it takes doing a bit of work to get to that, to get to that level, then.

 I'm a, I'm a firm believer, of that, but yeah, gratitude was, another one of my, huge ones that have helped, journaling, gratitude Reiki as well Reiki, I went, to that and I do that once a month and that's for somebody, you know, last year who couldn't talk, talk to anybody about my feelings or sit down or relax to be able to have that time once a month to just relax.

And do what, whatever needs to happen, that's, that's phenomenal in, in my, wellbeing as well. So yeah, it just helped me find all of the tools, technique. It helped me find me. It's like, it probably sounds crazy to anybody that, you know, hasn't been through the coaching process, but it found the Sam, which I didn't realize I was actually gone long before the grief.

She was long gone and I hadn't realized. [00:52:00] So, , I'll forever, I'll forever be grateful for, coaching.

Ross: Love that. So what are you working in now then Sam? So tell us about what you do now. 

Samantha: Well, that's funny, isn't it? I'm a coach. So in the midst of, of the grief so I'd found my own coach and was working with her.

And you know how Facebook sort of knows. I'd been looking at somebody's coaching page and Facebook has the algorithms and it, it knows, it knows what you're doing. Well, a coaching company came up which I'm sure you're aware of, the Coaching Masters. So I I started following them in the midst of all of this because I was, I was on maternity leave.

So I had a, had a job at the time. And as soon as I found the coaching masters, something drew me in and something said, Oh, I wonder , I've always been a helper. I've always been a person that wants to do what I can to help others. And yeah, so after, after the loss of mom, I just thought I want to change.

So I [00:53:00] decided to not go back to work and do my coaching accreditation. So I finished that in August this year, there was a bit of a delay because of the loss of my dad but I finished that in August, so now I'm an accredited coach in resilience and well being, so I'm just coming to the end of my ultimate launch course I'm already coaching two clients within, within this.

so I help women who are overwhelmed in life changes, life difficulties find themselves, find their purpose, find their desires, and just create. Create the life that we deserve to have, you know, I'm a firm believer that our past doesn't have to define us. As much as it feels like it is at the time and God, God knows I felt like that last year.

But coming through that and through everything else, I'm the happiest I've ever been. And now I'm so passionate to help others help other women. You know, I did predominantly start off in grief and I am going to focus a lot on grief. But I wanted to be the sort of. [00:54:00] The version that I came to that found something after grief.

And so, you know, like I said, I'm going to be reaching out to people that are grieving, but it's going to be the second side of it that are looking to, you know, then just get to where they want to be in life. So, yeah, I'm a resilience and well being coach now. I'm very excited about the journey. I've, I feel like a family, I've set purpose a lot and I'm not a purpose coach, but I feel like I've found what I need to do.

And like I said, I've got two amazing clients so far and it's just phenomenal. It brings me so much joy to be able to, to coach, help other women. You know, I've, I've got big, I've got big plans, big plans with it. So yeah, very exciting. 

Ross: I think it's here, Sam. I think it's a, it's a nice, a nice story for people to hear in that, you actually use some of what you've gone through to then go on to help others.

And that, is the, kind of pinnacle of what, coaching is about really, [00:55:00] in that you can actually give value to other people. And we often talk about the ripple effects of things and, , these people you help and how sometimes they will then go on to help others. That's, that's a classic example is like Ed Mylett, his dad was a alcoholic and then someone one day helped him become sober.

And that one person through their, their acts and kindness and just what they said to him, that was the reason he became sober is what went on for Ed Milette to become the person he's become today and he's helped millions of people. I think people often don't see the magnitude of these small decisions can have further down the line.

In a positive way, you know and so much of life is, is. It can be perceived as being negative but I would, again, kind of champion another thing that you said earlier, which was about life happening for you. Like so many people think that life happens to [00:56:00] them, so I'm bad, oh, this has happened to me, this has happened to me.

Happens for you. And the power of words, by changing those words and changing how you look at things, it will change your life. absolutely will change your life. The more you practice it, the better it gets. Sam, what would be your kind of last thoughts that you could give for value for the listeners, for anyone that's going through grief, what would be your top tips for them?

Samantha: I would say listen to yourself. I did a lot of research at the time, , we mentioned the doctors and the, if it, your grief carries on after six months, listen to yourself, , there's a lot of people that say it will get better with time and just listen to what you need, listen to your body.

Embrace whatever's going on. If you need to cry, you need to cry. And just follow, what you need. Try and put yourself first. Seek help. I think a lot of people don't like to seek help. And I, for one, was one of them. But even if it's [00:57:00] help from a friend, or another family member, or like I mentioned, bereavement counselling or coaching.

, if you get to a stage where you feel like You need something more, reach out for help, there's, there's nothing wrong with getting help. It doesn't show weakness, it shows strength, and getting some help finding, finding things that help you feel even just a little bit better. So for me, it was getting out for a walk, putting my headphones in, even with the baby in the pram, getting out and having a walk.

Fresh air is amazing for, for grief and any challenges that you're going for. Through, sorry. alSo finding, I cancelled a lot of my hobbies and bits like that when I was in that period of time last year. Because I just thought, well, how can I, how can I do any of these things when I'm going through all this grief?

And they would want you to still be doing, they would want you to still be doing, you know, fun things. So even if it's just one thing that you try and do. You know, try and continue find something that gives you a little bit of joy and also sort of setting goals, but I would say setting [00:58:00] smaller goals.

Obviously, when you're going through grief and overwhelm and stress, it's already difficult to deal with. So. I think when you're faced with, I want to do this, but how do I do it? Keep it really small. So for me, it was like endless lists of to do's just put two or three, two or three on, on your list for that day.

I'm just improve it slowly. For me as well, it was concentration. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all. You know, my mind was everywhere. So reading 10 minutes a day, building it up into a habit, you know, and the more you do it, you know, it takes at least 21 days to build a habit. The main thing I would say is just allow, allow whatever's happening to happen.

Don't worry what other people are telling you and, you know, reach out, reach out to people. And all I can say is that, that there is still, you still have purpose behind everything that's going on. And. You know, at some stage you will [00:59:00] just start to feel better. But allow it all, allow the journey find things that help.

And yeah, reach out, reach out. My inbox is also always open if anybody would like to talk about anything as well. So they would, they would be my main tips and obviously coaching.

Ross: If people want to find you, where can they find you? 

Samantha: I'm on Facebook and Instagram as Samantha Louise. So if you just type that in, you should be able to find me.

My website's almost ready, so I'll get that, you know, posted out as well. I've also got an e book helping to deal with overwhelming life difficulties. So, , I can pop that over to people as 

Ross: well. Sam, thank you so much for coming on today. , what I really like about this podcast, right, is it gives people It's talking to real people, right?

So we're not just talking to some celebrities that have told this story a thousand times. We're talking to real people telling their stories and a lot of the time for the first time. And this has been your first podcast today. So I've got in there [01:00:00] nice and early to be the first one to get this story from you.

And I think that adds to the rawness and the realness of it for the listeners. I think a lot of people will resonate with what you said today, and I do think it will give a lot of value to people who listen to it. So I really thank you for your time, Sam. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you for having me.

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